


One-Up

by deaneatscake



Series: tumblr fics [10]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, Dean is a Little Shit, First Kiss, M/M, Sam Is So Done, There's A Tag For That
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-25 04:24:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12028044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deaneatscake/pseuds/deaneatscake
Summary: It bugs Dean to no end that waitresses all around the country are trying to hit on Cas. So he does what he's gotta do, that is, come up with better pick-up lines than them.





	One-Up

The first time it happens he almost forgets about it afterward – how  _couldn’t_ he with Cas dying. But now that he thinks about it he distinctly remembers the way the words slipped from his tongue, the way he  _desperately_ tried to put them back in.

“ _… devastatingly handsome friend…”_  – yeah, he had fucked up then. Thankfully, no one had said anything, and he wouldn’t be  _Dean Winchester_ if he couldn’t bullshit his way through, pretending to  _actually_  be Cas’ wing man.

It was almost a blessing that Cas was busy dying that evening because the thought of him hitting up with Mandy  _still_ leaves a sour taste in his mouth.

The next time it’s at a restaurant and the waitress is  _obnoxious_ and  _weird_ and definitely not cute, so he  _has_ to say something, right? Right?

“Want some dessert, sweetheart?” she asks, her eyes never once leaving Cas.

“Actually, he doesn’t  _need_ dessert, he’s already sweet enough,” Dean answers for Cas and takes pride in the way her smile falters for a moment. Sam doesn’t comment, so Dean takes it as a success. 

(And if Cas complains on the drive home that he actually  _wanted_ dessert, well, that’s not  _his_ fault.)

After that, it’s a competition, a  _compulsion_ , to indulge in the flirtations only for as long as it takes to make it clear that Cas is  _his_. Not that he is, not really, but no one needs to  _know_ that.

It’s not like Cas will ever see these women again. Really, he’s just doing him a service because Cas certainly doesn’t want to have regrettable one night stands right? Right.

Dean comes across as an asshole more times than once, but he doesn’t care. The incidents are numerous, both a reminder how hot Cas actually is (not that he particularly needs one) and a reminder how much fate hates him.

“Hey, beautiful, what can I bring you?” – “Well, my stunningly beautiful  _friend_ here” (the emphasis is important) “Likes his coffee black, as  _I_ would know.”

“Care to show me where you got that tie from? And maybe wanna show me how to put it on?” – “Actually, if you want to know,  _I_  put it on for him, every day, thank you.”

“Hey, you think you could give me the phone number of your sexy friend over there?” – “Sure. It’s 1234-FUCKOFF. Want me to write it down?”

Okay, that last time had been at a bar, with Cas and Sam sitting on the far edge in a corner booth, and that was probably better for all because  _no way_  he could have spun that into just a snarky remark, a humorous attempt to one-up her. Not that he wanted to, what did the bartender think she was?

The next time, the waitress doesn’t back down. It’s  _on_ the time they walk into the bar; he can see her watching Cas hungrily and coming over almost immediately after they sat down.

“Hey guys,” she waves at them before turning her attention completely on Cas. “What can I get you, sugar?”

“Coffee, black, no sugar.  _At all_.” Dean doesn’t even try to hide his discontent.

“Oooh,” she says and pretends to adjust her name tag – Mandy, another proof that fate was out to get him –, effectively pushing her breasts out of the shirt. Or maybe that’s just his jealousy, who  _knows_. Bottom line, she’s definitely attractive and he prays to God that Cas isn’t interested.

“I see now,” Mandy continues. “You need something  _else_ to sweeten up your day, right?”

Cas’ first instinct is to look at Dean, bless him, so that gives Dean the chance to retort: “Oh no, he’s already sweet enough. More and he’ll get diabetes and you don’t want that, right,  _honey_?” His voice is dripping with sarcasm now.

Sam clears his throat. “I want – ” he starts but Mandy interrupts him.

“Why don’t we let your  _friend_ ” (and this emphasis was  _clearly_ uncalled for) “decide what he wants?” she asks sourly.

Still none the wiser, Cas looks at the menu and up to Mandy. “Dean is right, I don’t like sugar in my coffee,” he says. Sam snorts.

This isn’t the end of this – far from it. Every time she comes back, she has another cheap flirtation on her lips and every time Dean has to scramble up the best retorts. It’s getting annoying and, frankly, frustrating, because by now she must have realized that Cas is taken?

(Well, not taken, but definitely  _not_ available.)

But she seems completely unfazed and, Dean is sure of it, almost fascinated by the competition. The worst part is at the end; she brings them two bills – Sam and Dean together, Cas’ coffee on a separate one – and even from across the table Dean can  _see_ that she wrote her number down on it, complete with a heart and all.

“ _Hey_ ,” he says before he can stop it.

“What?” she asks innocently. “Did you guys want separate bills, too?”

“No, actually,  _I_  wanted to pay for Cas’ coffee.”

“Oooh,” she says for the second time in the day and Dean feels the urge to slap something, a brick wall, a pillow, a kitten,  _something_. She taps her finger against her cheek, seemingly trying to understand the situation. “So you bring a chaperon to all your dates? That’s not classy.” She winks at Sam and lays down the other bill in front of him.

Well, if she thinks that insinuating he’s gay is going to make him back off then  _oh boy_  she’s got the wrong target. Right now, Dean is so fucking exasperated that she’s  _still_ trying to get in Cas’ pants that he would scream  _‘I’m fucking gay for Cas’_  from the roof tops, so he almost shouts: “Oh, no, no such thing. We’re well past the dating stage, sweety.”

Which is the stupidest thing in the history of stupid things he’s ever said – because that’s not  _innuendo_ , that’s not even remotely  _true_ , and he can feel Sam roll his eyes and say “ _Dude_!” at the same time that Cas tilts his head to look at him confused.

At least that makes Mandy shut up, if only for a while until she regains her snark and says: “Must be one hell of a relationship then where you don’t even kiss each other  _one_ time in two hours.” 

(Which, true, he should have thought that through.)

 “So if you’re interested in…  pursuing something better for you, I’ve got  _just_ the thing,” she continues, tapping on Cas’ bill and that’s enough, that’s fucking  _enough_ , he’s had it with this bullshit, so he stands up and runs the two steps to Cas’ chair, violently jerking him upwards and planting a kiss on his mouth.

He can hear Sam mumbling and Mandy exclaiming  _ohmygod_  and also, most importantly, he can hear Cas sighing and feel him smiling and deepening the kiss, and –  _ohmygod_ , they’re actually kissing, and his anger dissolves almost immediately. Cas is kissing back and he seems happy and right now, Dean couldn’t care  _less_ about Mandy and Sam and all the other customers who are probably wondering what the  _fuck_ just happened.

They break apart after what seems like an eternity and Dean can’t hide his smug grin. Sam’s face is buried in his hands and Cas calmly puts a few bills from his pocket on the table. “I’ll pay for both. Keep the change.”

_Fuck_ , Cas is actually almost as sassy as him, and that just makes Dean love him even more.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm also on [tumblr](http://deaneatscake.tumblr.com).


End file.
